My Mental Health Journey

My Heart Has Begun Racing Again

One of the worse physical symptoms of my anxiety that caused me to go on medication because I couldn’t handle it anymore was my heart would race. So fast.

Like it literally was going to beat so fast I was going to have a heart attack. Or my heart would escape out of my chest. I could feel my pulse throbbing through my entire body in my veins. Like my veins could explode from the force of the blood that my heart was rushing through them. I couldn’t breathe. Like, I could breathe, but I felt like I couldn’t breathe. And that would just make the anxiety worse. Because then my body would go into overdrive panic mode which would then make it even harder to breathe. And the vicious cycle begins. And when I am in public, or at work, its not really an ideal situation.

I would have this along with sweating palms, hot flushes, and the need to flight (over fight). Whether that was also caused by my racing heart, I don’t know. It then got so severe, and so re-occurant that I couldn’t handle it any longer.

And then when I started to take the medication the physical symptoms began to disappear. Which was amazing. But then I started to feel depressed. Like, literal depression was upon me. I don’t know if the physical symptoms were blocking the depression, or whether the medication was causing those feelings. My partner, and my therapist both think it is the former. I honestly don’t know. The former does seem more likely, but I cant disregard the latter altogether when antidepressants can increase the desire to commit suicide can I?

Not that I am suicidal. Argh, I digress. Lately, maybe the past fortnight or so, my heart has been racing again. But at seemingly random times. I could be driving along, singing along to music, and bam heart starts having palpitations, or I could be in the shower, or falling asleep, or watching tv, you get the idea. Or writing this post. It has just started.

I don’t know why it has started again. But I want it to stop. I need it to stop.

14 Week Health "Challenge"

Days 15 and 16

Sorry for not posting yesterday guys, and tonights post will be very brief also, long story short I had to change phones (temporarily until I get my new one 🙂 ) and I got locked out of my account/couldn’t get into my account. Which hopefully doesn’t happen again when I get my new phone. And I have to get up early for work so I will be going to bed ASAP.

One problem that I shamefully haven’t thought of/factored into this while thing is that it is coming into summer. And its getting quite hot. Like I was running errands yesterday and every time I stepped outside I was punched in the face by a heat wave. And because of this I didn’t exercise because it was just way too hot. I’m going to have to work something out with that. Because it was the same thing today. Over 30 degrees Celsius and the last thing I want to be doing is going for a walk outside.

Todays Stats:

> “Move”: 1,619kjs
> “Exercise”: 13mins
> Steps: 5,301
> Total Distance walked today: 3.91kms

14 Week Health "Challenge"

Day 14; Weigh In Day

Weigh in day.. Not surprisingly I did not lose weight this week. More hurtful than that is actually the fact that I put on weight. I am still lighter than I was 14 days ago, but put on just over half of what I lost last week. I cannot keep doing this.

I put on 700g. So last week I had lost 1.2kgs and today when I weighed myself I was 700g heavier. I shouldn’t be surprised. I was not expecting to lose weight. But still putting on weight hurts. Even when I 100% know it is my fault; it was almost 7 days of bad choices. I didn’t do my two daily walks, and I ate poorly.

Todays Stats;

> “Move”: 1,525kjs (approx 364 calories)
> “Exercise”: 2mins
> Steps: 7,263
> Total Distance Travelled Today: 4.63km (or approx 2.8 miles)

14 Week Health "Challenge"

Day 13

So tomorrow is weigh in number two since starting this. And honestly, I am nervous. I don’t expect anything positive, but I also know if its not I will be bummed. And I have no right to be. I have made bad choices this week, and I will see that tomorrow morning when I step on the scales again.

I did my morning walk this morning. My alarm went off, and I turned it off and laid there for minutes, and then got myself up. And I’m not going to lie; most times I go for walks it makes me happy at some stage of the process. Almost like my body can literally feel the serotonin. Whether its when the walk first starts and I’m proud of myself for doing it, or part way through when I can feel the sun shining on me and the world seems new and fresh and clean, or when I’m nearing the end and starting to feel it in my muscles, or even when I am finished and I am either left with an energy high or I am worn out, but in a good way. Not this morning. I don’t think I enjoyed a single minute of my walk. But you know what? That doesn’t matter to me today; what matters is that I got out of bed and did it. And I am aiming to do it again tomorrow morning, after the moment of truth and consequence of my actions for the past week.

I didn’t go on my evening walk.. So I left work early because I had time in lieu, which was exciting 🙂 I was thinking about taking the doggo back to the beach, as leaving an hour early would have given us just enough light that it probably would have been just getting dark when we would have finished up. And then it starting raining whilst I was driving home… I did however end up walking to dinner; the girlfriend and I decided we would go out for dinner (again, like with the Xbox last night, it is something that we haven’t done in a long time), and it had stopped raining and we decided to walk to the pub near us which is about five minutes away. I got chicken and veggies, and it was so tasty. I did eat some ice-cream today. First ice-cream I have eaten in a fortnight. It was so good, but I didn’t let myself over-indulge either. Still probably shouldn’t have eaten it though, given my behaviour this week. Oh well, tomorrow is a new day and my week will reset.

Imma sign off and crash though, so I can be sure to get up at 6am with my morning walk alarm!

Todays Stats;

> “Move”: 2,110kj (or approx 504 calories)
> “Exercise”: 2mins
> Workout: Morning Walk; 2.04kms (or approx 1.2 miles)
> Steps: 9,997
> Total Distance Walked for Day: 6.46kms (or approx 4 miles)

14 Week Health "Challenge"

Day 12

Its time to weigh in again in two days… And honestly, if I lose any weight this week it will be a miracle.. I have been so lazy with exercise its not funny. And I have also eaten a twister from kfc, two chocolate Freddos, some cheezels, and lots of carb-filled dinners this week… I wish they had the emojis here like they do on your phone, because right here is where I would post the disappointed emoji.

Disappointment in myself. I had a couple of shitty/low days this week and I completely let it de-rail me. I also didn’t exercise at all today. Again. When my alarm went off this morning I reset it for an hour later to be up in time for work, but skipping my walk. And I had all intentions of going for my evening walk, but my partner suggested we play our Xbox, which isnt something we have done once since moving 9 months ago, and I really love doing. I meant to only play for a little while, but then I looked up and it was 9:45pm… Hence I am on here posting so I can go to bed.

I am promising myself right now that when my alarm goes off in the morning, at 6am, I WILL be getting out of bed and going for a walk. With or without my pug. Depending how sorry I feel for her in the morning lol and how snoozy she is.

So, keeping in mind, that once again I am a lazy awful human, here are todays stats:

> “Move”: 1,499kj (or approx 358 calories)
> “Exercise”: 2mins
> Steps: 4,603
> Total Distance Walked for Day: 2.89km (or approx 1.8 miles)

14 Week Health "Challenge"

Day 11

So today I was actually a fairly productive human being. Go me!

I rose nice and early at 8am 🙂 And then did about 4hrs of house work… So exciting I know, but ya gotta do what ya gotta do. I then put up a blog post of my trip to Rarotonga that I took a few years ago (which has gotten good responses so far 🙂 yay). I then went and looked at outdoor furniture, as we need some. We have planned on getting some for awhile, but when we moved we went from being able to have a small setting to a slightly larger one (even though our yard at the old house was bigger, the yard here is better set up for.. entertaining? although we want to set up some new fencing when we can afford it which will be nice), which has been delayed a bit due to lack of fundage. The place we got some of our other furniture is having a sale at the moment, so I went to have a look and see if there was anything good.

Only downside to my day was I spent the whole day waiting to hear from someone as we were supposed to meet up, and after I looked at the furniture it was about 3pm and I still hadn’t heard from them, so I messaged them to find out what was going on… And they changed their mind and “forgot” to tell me! So that really shit me off. Because even though I needed to do the housework and look at the furniture I feel like my day was still scheduled around this ambiguous meeting that never ended up actually happening.

It really shouldn’t have, but it made me feel so shitty and low. As weird as it sounds, I was having a good morning listening to music, doing housework and writing on here. I haven’t been feeling the greatest the last few days, as you have probably noticed in my past days’ posts. But I felt abit better today. Until I hear back from this person that they had changed their mind and couldn’t have even been bothered to tell me.

So the afternoon I spent back into my slump. I did the groceries and finished off more housework. Got dinner on. But then my partner got home from work, and I started to feel heaps better. We ate dinner, and whilst we were eating dinner my partner suggested we go to the beach after dinner to walk the dog.

So thats what we did 🙂 and it was really nice. It was different being there at night. But beautiful. I used to go the beach at night a lot before we moved to where we live now, before my partner and I got together even. The beach was my thinking place. And I used to love it more at night; I am super pale and burn easily, and I liked the peace of it at night as I would either have the beach to myself completely, or there would only be a couple of other people there. So it was peaceful and calm and most of the time could make me feel better, if not completely at least marginally. And it reminded me of those times. And did I mention it was beautiful lol there is a break wall and walking down it looking across the water back into the city with all the lights reflecting off the ocean.

I paused my “Workout” on my watch when we got to the end of the break wall as we wanted to take photos and rest etc and then when I went to resume it I accidentally ended it. So I’ll post my stats with it as Workout One and Two, but it was done “together”.

Todays Stats:

> “Move”: 2,250kjs (or approx 537 calories)
> “Exercise”: 4mins
> Steps: 13,102
> Workouts: Workout One; 0.91km (or approx 0.5 miles), Workout Two; 1.17km (or approx 0.7 miles)
> Total Distance Travelled for the Whole Day: 8.1kms (or approx 5 miles)


Rarotonga, Cook Islands

We found ourselves traveling to the beautiful Rarotonga in the Cook Islands in late November/ early December of 2014. Never heard of Rarotonga before? Neither had we! Bora Bora is honestly one of my ultimate travel dreams. But, priced the way it is, and with us having the budget we do, Bora Bora is unfortunately a pipe dream for us. So, we did a bit of research. And one of the places we discovered was Rarotonga. Having never heard of it, we did a bit of research, and then just decided what the hell, lets go for it!

Living in Australia, we had to take two flights to get there. But they were short flights lol. So we had the approx 2hr flight to Auckland, and then the approx 4hr flight from Auckland to Rarotonga. (I will get slightly off topic here for a minute, just for the lols at the memory; so we booked a straight flight with Auckland being a stopover. We had allowed ourselves, I think, about 2hrs between, thinking that would give us enough time without being too long. Our flight leaving Sydney was delayed. By half an hour. And then because it was delayed we then had to taxi on the runway for half an hour before we could depart the plane at Auckland because we had thrown off the schedule. So, we then had to run from one side of the airport to the other. But wait, theres more. My partner has not been pulled aside for random drug testing, I’m going to say for 10% of our flights. I’m not even kidding! So, of course, we then get pulled up for “random drug testing”. Almost in tears, we explain to them what is happening, and they call down to the boarding lounge to explain so we didn’t miss our flight! Not the most relaxing start to our holiday, but looking back it does honestly make me laugh now).

Because Rarotonga is such a small island (if you drove around the coast I think from memory its around 32-35kms around!), we couldn’t fly straight from Sydney, as their airport is quite small. And they also only run flights every second day.

We stayed at Club Raro. I think they have done renovations since we were there, but it was still nice when we stayed there. They had a pool, which we honestly didn’t use at all as you were also staying directly on the beach, so we chose the ocean over the pool (we intended on getting as much snorkelling in as we could, and we can swim in a pool anytime!). The beach had stairs leading down to it. The beach itself was mostly made up of old, washed up coral and rocks etc not much sand. The water was beautiful though! We booked one of the beach/ocean facing rooms, and this was the view from right outside our door:


This is a panoramic shot, so the banister looks a little warped haha but you get the idea! Beautiful, blissful. A bit back from the banister there is tables and chairs under thatched roofs (which you can see in the top right corner of the picture) and we had our dinner at these tables maybe half the nights we stayed there. The other half we ate either at a different food place, or in the dining room. Not to downer, but I will now mention one thing we had issues with with dinner at night, and this is not just at club raro but everywhere on the island; mosquitos! So bad! You will need aeroguard, I am telling you!

I’ll do a quick little blurb on the hotel, so I can then get back to the island. The room was simple but nice. The bed was huge and comfortable. Plumbing worked perfectly. They had a laundry that you could use. Tennis courts, swimming pool, and you could rent snorkel and towels from their entertainment counter. They also ran classes you could take (like intro to scuba diving etc). They also had plenty of pamphlets you could use to see island activities, rental car companies, and a phone you could use to book activities (or they would do it for you at the front desk too). Food was pretty good, but menu a little limited, which is why we sometimes ventured out for meals, in saying that we were there for 2 weeks. Staff were pretty good too, there was only one lady who was borderline rude, but otherwise they were all pretty welcoming and helpful.


We snorkelled most places around the island we could reach, and obviously weather dependent. One of the places we went was the beach infront of Fruits of Rarotonga store. From memory it was a café/general store. Another thing that makes me laugh looking back. This was I think my second trip overseas, and I had never really been snorkelling before, but I was excited to do it. So, we walk out in the water until we were maybe waist deep. We then decided we were far enough out, put our masks on, and put our faces under. And I honestly almost had a heart attack! We were surrounded! By GIANT fish! They were all white, and massive. Not long or anything, pretty circular really haha but everywhere!


You could reached out and touched them! So after my initial 10 second freakout my rational brain kicks in; they weren’t going to hurt us haha if they wanted to do that they would have already! There were heaps of those huge white fish, but not heaps of other types. So we enjoyed our swim there and then moved on. We did return there a few times, but it had rained overnight a few times which had then caused the water to cloud, and we didn’t want to swim anywhere we couldn’t see.

Another day we went to this beautiful long stretch kinda near the airport, but going to other way to Club Raro, and before we had gotten in we could see splashing a bit further down. So we were looking at it trying to figure out what it was. And then we realised. There were a few reef sharks going after fish! Was totally fascinating to watch, but we decided maybe to not get in that part of the water at that particular time lol. But we did go back there. The water was beautiful to swim in, but the fish in there were limited, or at least what we saw was.


We went on a few different island activities, and none of them disappointed. We did a semi sub, which was good as they took you out a bit further and you could see the marine life that you couldn’t see in the lagoons. We went on a tour of the island, and they drove you around explaining life on the island and their landmarks, we went up one of the mountains in the middle too and looked at all the farming and ate a fresh coconut (which I hadn’t had before, it was delicious!) and the view at the top was beautiful.

Now, to the island scandal lol. The abandoned Sheraton Resort. There is plenty info available if you google Sheraton Rarotonga, but long story short a hotel was started there by Sheraton that never got completed due to mafia (!) siphoning of funds! A few other companies have tried since, and all failed for misc reasons, rumour is the land is cursed and thats why the project keeps failing. We, as many tourists have, went in and had a sticky beak. When Sheraton abandoned the project it was like 90% done, which is sad. It has since deteriorated, been vandalised and looted. But you can still see the vision that was started. It was really interesting, but kind of creepy too haha. There is now apparently troubled youths living there, under supervision, with the arrangement that they maintain the grounds. Which is good, as it gives these kids a home, and gives them something constructive to focus on. Rumours are someone else is sniffing around to purchase and complete the site, but its a big job so whether it goes through who knows.


There is plenty of natural beauty to see in Rarotonga, and the people on the whole are very welcoming people. We definitely want to go back one day. Its a good relaxing holiday; you can just get away from the hustle and bustle and relax. We ended up hiring a car, and I would recommend hiring some form of transport whilst you are there, whether it is a car or a bike/scooter. The island isn’t large, as I said, but it is good to be able to go where you want to when you want to, especially if you want to go exploring or swimming. They do have a bus on the island, which we did catch, which was $5, which wasn’t bad, but with the two of us to catch it in and out of town it wasn’t much more to hire a car for the day.