I used to think when I was younger if I didn’t speak about something… Not that it was less true, exactly.. But almost like if I didn’t talk about it… I was going to say it wasn’t real, but even that isnt right..
Some people bottle their problems up and just expect them to “go away”. I have never had this mentality. I actually get annoyed by people who ignore their problems thinking if they do so that they will just go away. Sure, I bottle my shit up too. But not in the expectation that it will just magically disappear if I don’t look at it directly. I put it on the shelf to deal with at a later time (when I have time to deal with it properly, or when I am able to actually mentally process it, etc), or I hold it in to not hurt others, or because the consequences of acting on certain feelings just is not worth it, pure and simple.
But. I really don’t know how to word it lol. So I will just give an example I guess. About 10yrs ago (I’m guessing, and man has that time flown! And it doesn’t really matter exactly when it happened anyway) I got a call in the middle of the night, literally, from my social father (who at the time I believed was my father). My middle step sister had made accusations against him. That he had “taken advantage of her”. She wouldn’t elaborate as to what that meant exactly, but its not hard to imagine where it was aimed. This was in the first week of January. I knew something had happened, as Christmas had half of my family not talking to each other, and I was the only one in the room who didn’t know what was going on. And no-one would tell me. My stepsister had moved out with my older stepsister (they would have been like 16 and 19, roughly, I would have been 20), and I knew that, but again not why. Until like a week after Christmas, like 2 months after it had all happened, did they deem it worth telling me. But whatever. Excluding me is a fine art they have been practicing for most of my life.
But as much as I hated them for not telling me, I didn’t tell anyone but my mum. Even though 4hrs after I got off the phone to him (and I would have gotten like 2hrs sleep, after crying myself to sleep), I went away with my best friend for like 5 days. It was a 5hr drive to get to where we were going, and it was just the two of us. But I did not breath a single word of it to her. Or any of my other friends. Why? Honestly, part of me felt shame. I don’t know why. But I did. Another part of me was embarrassed. I was confused. And shocked. And honestly overwhelmed. But I felt like the least amount of people who knew, the less it was a thing. I knew it was real. I felt its realness. Everyday. But it was just less.
But then it was like one day I realised, whether I talked about it or not didn’t change the fact that it had happened. And people weren’t going to judge me for it. And even if they did, doesn’t really matter. Thats on them, not on me. So I talked to my best friends. And you know what happened? I felt better. For just letting it out. For someone else (other than my mum!) to know what was going on in my life.
And since then? Its not like I go around spouting my life story to everyone I meet, but “secrets” mean less to me. Not secrets that others share with me; if someone tells me something in confidence it stays that way. Other peoples business is just that; theirs to share with whomever they choose. But my own? I’m a lot more open now. Obviously, there is a time and a place for everything, and I’m not going to share intimate details with you if I don’t know you, or don’t feel comfortable with you, but you get the gist.
I have anxiety. Whether I talk about it or not, its there. I’m overweight and want to lose weight. Whether I talk about it or not, its true. I’m a sperm donor baby. Whether I talk about it or not, its a fact. You get my point. Not that I think the whole world cares about my “problems”. I could probably count on both hands the amount of people who legitimately do care. But I think thats part of what makes it so freeing; everyone has their own problems. They have their own struggles. They aren’t judging me. Or blaming me. Or thinking any less of me. Or spouting my “gossip” to everyone. We are all just getting through our day.
I recently discovered a song called “Secrets” by Mary Lambert. And honestly? It makes me laugh, it makes me happy, its my jam! Besides a line about her loving her butt lol I’m happy for her but don’t share her sentiments about myself haha. Listen to it if you can, its quite good. And some of the lyrics “They tell us from the time we’re young to hide the things that we don’t like about ourselves, inside ourselves. I know I’m not the only one who spent so long attempting to be someone else, well I’m over it” are just so, so true.