I'm a sperm-donor baby

Dear “Father”

This is a letter I have been wanting to write for awhile. And maybe after writing it and posting it on here I will get the courage to actually write it and give to you.

Dear “Father”,

I am going to start this by saying; how dare you think that this whole thing is because I finally know the truth. That you aren’t my biological father. How dare you think that I am that shallow that the fact you are not biologically related to you means I feel the hurt I do. Because that has nothing to do with the way I feel towards you anymore.

You want to know what is?

Your behavior. I just went to type my entire life. But, I will allow you that fairness. Lets say since I was 18 months old. When I was so sick in hospital I died four times. That I was so close to slipping into an irreversible coma. (The biggest thing that saved my life? My mother. Shouting at doctors that she knew there was something wrong, that they had to listen and look at me). And those months when I was hospital, and mum was practically living there too, where were you? You cheated on my mother. You left us both. When we needed you the most you left us both. And I want to know why. I will never ask you because I will never be able to trust that anything you say to me is the truth, But I want to know; was your thinking ever “not my child, not my problem?”

Once I was better mum moved us to another state. She never tried to stop you from seeing me; she told me that and I believe her. And yet you never made any attempts whatsoever to be in my life. And then mysteriously when we move back into the state all of a sudden you want to be father of the year? Wtf is that shit? Another question I want the answer to, that again I will never ask for fear of being lied to, did you just do it to look like a good father? So that people in your life who knew I existed, but not the truth, would think that you were a “good dad”?

Because I feel like if it was love, then you wouldn’t have treated me the way you have? Surely? Never showing up to spend time with me when you said you would when I was a kid. Letting me down time and again.

And then introducing the girlfriends, then one wife, as I grew older. Not that there were lots of girlfriends – only two, one of which you are married to now.. But. They always came first right? It was never what I wanted or needed, it was what they wanted or needed. The first girlfriend, the only time you “stood up for me” or was “on my side” was when we were going camping, and I left my pillow inside by accident. We had to go back, thankfully only like 2mins after we left, and in my haste to get it I ran inside, tripped, and had to get stitches in my leg. I was 10. The gf and her kids were complaining about the camping trip getting cancelled, but you said no that I couldn’t go so it would get post-poned until I was fully healed. Not when she hit me. Not when she starved me. Not when she verbally abused me or excluded me. But when I needed stitches because I fell over.

And the wife. We’ll just stick to the worst. As prior to that she was wonderful to me. She kicked me out of home when I was 15. Because she had been told a lie about me. And rather than asking me she assumed it was the truth. We went through a week of being screamed at or being ignored, before it was a mutual kick-out/I had my bags packed to leave.. She forbid me from having any form of contact with my step sisters for like 8 months. Over christmas. Over birthdays. And did you stick up for me? Of course you didn’t. Even though you knew what was said wasn’t true, that what was happening wasn’t right. You did nothing.

And not that I am that shallow type the materialistic side of this matters; but I dont remember the last birthday or christmas present you gave me was that cost more than say $20. In her naivety my youngest step sister, that is 10yrs younger than me, told me one christmas you stopped at a petrol station to get cash out at an ATM because you had forgotten to buy me a present..

That was obviously before I actually stopped getting invited to christmas and family lunches/dinners. After everything I think thats what hurts the most; the fact that I was never thought of. That I was forgotten about. That I was so far off your radar that you could hold a family gathering and I wasn’t even a blip.

And the cincher? The icing on the cake for both my intolerance of the way you treated me, and the tip over for mum to finally tell me the truth about my own existence? You, coming into mine and my girlfriends home, asking ignorant and homophobic questions about our life and relationship. Asking which of us was the “guy” in the relationship. Which of us “wore the pants”. Or “made all the decisions”. The fact that you couldn’t understand that we are in a relationship, that we are in love, that we are partners¬†– which seems to say a lot to me; that you dont understand what it means to be partners, to be equals.

And what do you even know about my life? The amount of times I have had to tell you where I work. What I am studying. Foods I dont eat. The list goes on. I bet you don’t even know what my favourite colour is?

But yes. Please. Continue to think and say that I have pulled away from you because I am shallow. Because I am the one at fault. That you are the victim.

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I'm a sperm-donor baby

“Rights” of a Sperm Donor Baby

Sperm donation processes have changed and developed so much over the years, as does most things, but I have definitely learnt a lot more about it since finding out about my own origins.

So.. I was conceived via IVF, anonymous sperm donor, back in the late 80’s. Through my online research I have found prior to 1997 that, in as much, any child conceived in this manner have no “rights” to any form of information regarding their biological father. This is due to the fact that at that time, part of the sperm donation contract for the donor was 100% anonymity, for both identifying and non-identifying information. And whilst I can respect and understand that the donor may have only donated on the principle that they will have this, for that child to then potentially go through life with no idea of half of their biology, its hard. You may have the risk of hereditary diseases, let alone physical characteristics, half-siblings, etc. My relationship with my “social” father (I found that term as part of my online research, the term is used to describe the male that is acting as father of the child) has always been very patchy, which I will doubtlessly blog about in the future, I never expected that finding out he wasn’t actually my biological father would leave me feeling the way that it has. Empty and almost lost. Like I am missing something.

Which is interesting, given that at this stage I have no interest in meeting my biological father, or any half-siblings that may or may not exist. And not for any “bad” reasons. I just feel, that, given my age, he has his own life, I have mine, and any potential half-siblings would also have their own lives. Now don’t get me wrong, its not that I don’t care. I have never hung on the belief that family is blood, and blood is family etc.

Speaking to my mother about the process, only very recently, seeing as I was only told about a year and a half ago, and to be honest I am angry at her for not telling me earlier, given our life, and I have therefore only been able to deal with asking her little things here and there, she told me; they didn’t get provided with any information about the donor, and as far as she was aware the most technical thing about the whole process was that she thinks they tried to pick someone who had similar physical attributes to my social father… Wow, right?! As grateful as I am to exist, the idea of that is slightly scary?? Or is that just me?? It just seems like anything could go wrong… And I was quite sick as a baby (I almost died.. more than once..), whether or not that has anything to do with my biological father, I will likely never know.

I have, however, found a register that I can join run by the hospital group I was conceived through to potentially gain non-identifying information about my sperm donor. On the one catch; that my sperm donor has gone to the hospital and told them that should his donor children inquire, that they can be provided with this information. So. Bit of a long shot, and I definitely wont be holding my breath. Given the time frame, I would honestly be surprised if my sperm donor ever even thinks about the fact that he helped who knows how many families, let alone knowing that this register now exists, and contacting the hospital. But all I can do is try. And maybe one day I will get information.

I'm a sperm-donor baby

Did I forget to mention I am a sperm-donor baby? So did my parents….

So… About a year and half ago my mother told me a story. About how I came to be in this world. And it wasn’t your cliche’ “When a mummy and daddy love each other..” blah blah blah.

Turns out my “father” is actually sterile. My mum really wanted a baby though, so they went through the IVF journey, using an anonymous sperm donor.

There is so much I have to say on this subject…

Me finding out my “father” isn’t actually my biological father does not change my opinion of him, or our relationship at all. (probably more on that later).

However.. Being 26 and finding this out… Not the best feeling in the world. Knowing that your parents have lied to you your entire life. Knowing that other people have known the truth about your very existence, when you didnt.

Its the lie that’s killer.. And embarrassment. I weirdly feel embarrassed about it. That other people knew the truth about me when I didn’t.

One thing I would like to put out, which equally disgusts me and breaks my heart; I have done a lot of research since finding out, and have seen on multiple different websites that about 98-99% of all sperm-donor babies aren’t told the truth by their “parents” around how they came to be in this world. So please, if you are reading this and are a parent who has conceived their child by donor IVF, and haven’t told your child, I beg you. Please do. I know you are probably terrified, but as a parent, put your childs needs before yours. Put yourself in their shoes for a moment and think about how you would feel being in their situation, having the people who are supposed to be there for them no matter what, is telling them the biggest lie every day of their life. Yes, its hard. But every day that passes that you don’t tell them, you are doing so much more damage.