I'm a sperm-donor baby

Dear “Father”

This is a letter I have been wanting to write for awhile. And maybe after writing it and posting it on here I will get the courage to actually write it and give to you.

Dear “Father”,

I am going to start this by saying; how dare you think that this whole thing is because I finally know the truth. That you aren’t my biological father. How dare you think that I am that shallow that the fact you are not biologically related to you means I feel the hurt I do. Because that has nothing to do with the way I feel towards you anymore.

You want to know what is?

Your behavior. I just went to type my entire life. But, I will allow you that fairness. Lets say since I was 18 months old. When I was so sick in hospital I died four times. That I was so close to slipping into an irreversible coma. (The biggest thing that saved my life? My mother. Shouting at doctors that she knew there was something wrong, that they had to listen and look at me). And those months when I was hospital, and mum was practically living there too, where were you? You cheated on my mother. You left us both. When we needed you the most you left us both. And I want to know why. I will never ask you because I will never be able to trust that anything you say to me is the truth, But I want to know; was your thinking ever “not my child, not my problem?”

Once I was better mum moved us to another state. She never tried to stop you from seeing me; she told me that and I believe her. And yet you never made any attempts whatsoever to be in my life. And then mysteriously when we move back into the state all of a sudden you want to be father of the year? Wtf is that shit? Another question I want the answer to, that again I will never ask for fear of being lied to, did you just do it to look like a good father? So that people in your life who knew I existed, but not the truth, would think that you were a “good dad”?

Because I feel like if it was love, then you wouldn’t have treated me the way you have? Surely? Never showing up to spend time with me when you said you would when I was a kid. Letting me down time and again.

And then introducing the girlfriends, then one wife, as I grew older. Not that there were lots of girlfriends – only two, one of which you are married to now.. But. They always came first right? It was never what I wanted or needed, it was what they wanted or needed. The first girlfriend, the only time you “stood up for me” or was “on my side” was when we were going camping, and I left my pillow inside by accident. We had to go back, thankfully only like 2mins after we left, and in my haste to get it I ran inside, tripped, and had to get stitches in my leg. I was 10. The gf and her kids were complaining about the camping trip getting cancelled, but you said no that I couldn’t go so it would get post-poned until I was fully healed. Not when she hit me. Not when she starved me. Not when she verbally abused me or excluded me. But when I needed stitches because I fell over.

And the wife. We’ll just stick to the worst. As prior to that she was wonderful to me. She kicked me out of home when I was 15. Because she had been told a lie about me. And rather than asking me she assumed it was the truth. We went through a week of being screamed at or being ignored, before it was a mutual kick-out/I had my bags packed to leave.. She forbid me from having any form of contact with my step sisters for like 8 months. Over christmas. Over birthdays. And did you stick up for me? Of course you didn’t. Even though you knew what was said wasn’t true, that what was happening wasn’t right. You did nothing.

And not that I am that shallow type the materialistic side of this matters; but I dont remember the last birthday or christmas present you gave me was that cost more than say $20. In her naivety my youngest step sister, that is 10yrs younger than me, told me one christmas you stopped at a petrol station to get cash out at an ATM because you had forgotten to buy me a present..

That was obviously before I actually stopped getting invited to christmas and family lunches/dinners. After everything I think thats what hurts the most; the fact that I was never thought of. That I was forgotten about. That I was so far off your radar that you could hold a family gathering and I wasn’t even a blip.

And the cincher? The icing on the cake for both my intolerance of the way you treated me, and the tip over for mum to finally tell me the truth about my own existence? You, coming into mine and my girlfriends home, asking ignorant and homophobic questions about our life and relationship. Asking which of us was the “guy” in the relationship. Which of us “wore the pants”. Or “made all the decisions”. The fact that you couldn’t understand that we are in a relationship, that we are in love, that we are partners – which seems to say a lot to me; that you dont understand what it means to be partners, to be equals.

And what do you even know about my life? The amount of times I have had to tell you where I work. What I am studying. Foods I dont eat. The list goes on. I bet you don’t even know what my favourite colour is?

But yes. Please. Continue to think and say that I have pulled away from you because I am shallow. Because I am the one at fault. That you are the victim.

My Mental Health Journey

I Cant Tell You What It Really Is, I Can Only Tell You What It Feels Like…

Some of you will recognize this line from Eminem and Rihanna’s “Love The Way You Lie” song. For me however, it is the best description of my anxiety that I have ever heard.

My anxiety isn’t rational. It isn’t logical. It isn’t “sane”. Therefore; I cant always see a situation for what it truly is. I can only see it through what my anxiety makes me feel. I have used this term on here before, but my anxiety is a living, breathing thing. It is like a shadow that floats over me all the time. No matter where I am, or what I am doing, it is there. And sometimes it just hovers and whilst I know it is there it otherwise leaves me alone.

And then there are other times that it doesn’t leave me alone. It whispers hurtful things. It throws fuel onto the fire that is my paranoia. It tells me that no-one likes me. That no-one would miss me if I wasn’t there. That I am useless. That everything I do is wrong. That no matter how hard I try whatever I do will never be right. It will never be enough. I will never be enough.

From the outside I may seem… I don’t even know. I can’t even say “perfect” or “happy” or “together” or any other good adjectives to describe myself. But sometimes I feel so overwhelmed it isn’t funny. That logically I can think “All I have to do is fix one thing/get one thing off my plate and everything will be fine”, but it isn’t always that simple….

Book Reviews

Ewan Pendle And The White Wraith, by Shaun Hume

Enter the world of Ewan Pendle, and discover his heritage along side him as he learns his life as an orphan getting passed from home to home is over. Ewan enters a world he never could have imagined, and gets a fresh start to life.

You see, Ewan was never what anyone would call as normal. Ewan, from an early age, could see things that nobody else could. This made Ewan a bit of an outsider, and made life hard for him. Ewan struggled to make friends, and couldnt “fit in” with any of the foster families he was placed with.

This all changes however when he gets collected to go to a special school, called Firedrake. Here Ewan learns that he is not abnormal, or alone, for the things he has been seeing. He is what is called a Lenitnes, and it is his life duty to fight these Creatures he has been seeing most of his life.

This book follows Ewans first year at Firedrake as he learns about his true world and life, makes friends, and causes a little bit of mischief along the way!

The story introduces and centers on several characters, who are different but all relate-able in their own ways.  The characters also evolve nicely as the plot proceeds.

My only constructive criticism on this book, and whether it was just the copy I was provided, there were a lot of spelling and grammatical mistakes, which was at times distracting from the story.  The author was also very descriptive, which is good as it really helps to build the story and construct the image in your mind. (However, constant repetition of the same descriptive terms were used).

All in all I rate the book 3.5 out of 5 stars, and I hope the the author brings out the next book soon – it is left open for a sequel and there is a story building quite nicely! This is available in eBook format on Amazon.com for $3, or hardback option is available aswell if you dont like eBooks.

Thanks again also to Shaun for sending me this book to review!

My Mental Health Journey

What is Real Wisdom? What is Real Strength?

I once read that real wisdom and strength was knowing the difference between when to fight, and when to give up. And knowing that you weren’t “giving up”, but making the right choice? The best choice, for yourself; for your health, your happiness, your stability, your future?

Sometimes it can seem easier to see what is best for someone else, but not what is best for yourself. 

So what is that point? How do you find it? When do you respect yourself enough, to tell yourself enough is enough. To move on with your life and let go? 

But then there’s that fear, underneath your “fuck you” strength. That fear telling you that darkness it deepest before dawn. That nothing easy is worth having. All of the “what ifs” – maybe if I hold on a little longer that person will change/ I will change/ things will get better/ that person will recognise me/ I will get that promotion/ I will get that grade/ I will get that payrise, and on and on and never ending is that list of what may happen if you keep holding on. 

But when do you know? When do you accept the fact that nothing is going to change, and that the only change you can make is to remove yourself?

My Mental Health Journey

Dont Let ANYONE Dull Your Sparkle!

I dont know how long this post will be, but I still want to share 🙂

So, as I have been for the past 1-2 weeks since my brain storm, I have been waking up mostly happy and content; tired, but still in a good mood. Today, I get to work, determined to review my stats for the past week and set myself up for the day.. And as usual, when dealing with the general public, you come across people in less than optimistic moods/mind-frames.

And its so hard to not let these kind of people get to you, and bring you down, and affect your mood. I know this all too well. I used to work with a guy who was so hard-pressed to view things positively instead of negatively; and as much as you would try to fight it it was hard to repel it on a constant level.

But today I made it my mission to, in the words of Taylor Swift lol, “Shake It Off!”. And I was pretty successful I have to say! I happen to know abit about this particular person, but regardless, you know what realization struck me? It was very close to sympathy for that person; I am actively trying to control my thoughts and actions to become a better, happier person. But not everyone has reached this point. And whilst I cannot control the thoughts and actions of others, I can control (mostly – and I am getting better with practice!) my thoughts and actions. And why does this matter in relation to others? I can control how others’ behavior does, or doesnt, affect me. I can wallow in their negativity, or I can “Shake It Off’ and move on with my day.

Today when I practiced this, it was hard at first. But honestly, only for like 5-10mins. Then I pushed all the negativity out, with the knowledge that although the other person wasnt able to interact positively with themselves or others, I was capable of feeling joy and I actively wanted to share that joy with others.

My Mental Health Journey

My Favourite Buddhist Quotes

  • We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.

 

  • You will not be punished for you anger, you will be punished by your anger.

 

  • Those who are free of resentful thoughts surely find peace.

 

  • The mind is everything. What you think you become.

 

  • You, yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.

 

  • Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.

 

  • Holding onto anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burnt.

 

  • Your worst enemy cannot harm you as much as your own unguarded thoughts.

 

  • Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.

 

  • There is no path to happiness; Happiness is the path.

 

  • No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.

 

  • Everything that has a beginning has an ending. Make your peace with that and all will be well.

 

  • Pain is certain, suffering is optional.

 

  • If you light a lamp for somebody, it will also brighten your path.

 

  • If the problem can be solved why worry? If the problem cannot be solved worrying will do you no good.

 

  • One moment can change a day, one day can change a life and one life can change the world.

 

  • If you are facing in the right direction, all you have to do is keep on walking.

 

  • Whatever words we utter should be chosen with care for people will hear them and be influenced by them for good or ill.

 

  • An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea.
My Mental Health Journey

Be KIND To Others

So earlier today I posted about the importance of being kind to yourself. I honestly cannot stress enough how important this is. Happiness comes from within, and if you are too busy beating yourself up all the time you will never let that seed of joy grow. 

However. It is also really important to be kind to others. A simple remark can be enough to make some bodies day, or ruin it. I’m sure you have experienced this; you may have received a compliment etc and it has just perked you right up, or dealt with someone unpleasant and your mood has plummeted at the speed of light. Or maybe you are lucky enough that you don’t let others effect you as much. I am not this lucky however (although I am working at it!). 

It can be hard shaking yourself out of a bad mood sometimes. And it can be equally as hard to not take that bad mood out on people you are surrounded by at the time. And again, I will be the first person to admit I am guilty of both of these things. But. After having people take their problems out on me, that I have nothing to do with, one day it hit me; “it isn’t this persons fault that xyz happened, so why should I treat them like it is?”. 

Now this is not to say that you aren’t allowed to feel crappy. Or even behave in a human way. But think of a time you had someone behave in an agressive manner towards you for no reason. And how that made you feel. You may be having a hard time, but that random stranger, or loved one, that you are talking to is probably going through some battle of their own too. And you don’t have to tell them your life story, and listen to theirs, but you can be kind to them, and allow for them to respond in likeness. And if they don’t, just hope that one day they get it too. That kindness is free, but is also priceless with the effects it can bring on not only individuals, but on the whole world. 

I am setting a challenge for myself that every time I get annoyed at someone, either through their actions or words, I am going to try to turn it around. Whether it is by keeping my patience and being polite, or giving them a compliment, or maybe even pointing out a positive they may not have realised/noticed etc. 

Feel free to join me!